I find it hard, almost impossible to place a specific time, place, event or the like on when my desire first ‘appeared’ or at least became apparent.

Even as I try and think abut it now, all i can come up with are harmless, completely non-sexual images of ‘cops and robbers,’ ‘Doctors and nurses,’ ‘kiss chase’ etc. All played out as children, prior to sexual maturity and knowledge in such areas of life and way before BDSM awareness.

I suppose I’ve always been a submissive, I’ve always naturally been inclined to follow someone else’s commands, desires or whims and in fact on occasion I have become lost due to a lack of guidance and command. My thoughts of BDSM, however fleeting and unobtainable, fuel darker desires and throw my mind in to a wild, sexual overdrive that screens fantasy after fantasy across my mind. Too brief to enjoy yet too specific to become reality.

My kinky fantasies have unfortunately always remained just that – fantasies. They always take place in my mind in such epic fashions that I feel pulling them out in to the harsh glare of reality will not only weaken them but significantly reduce their appeal.

I’m a lover of bondage porn, especially the stuff from kink.com, I suppose this constant stream of elaborate, high production value porn isn’t the best education and has only served to condition my mind in to an unrealistic concept of a BDSM scene. In an attempt to capture the ‘elaborate and epic’ I have even recently applied to model in a BDSM stills scenes for a M/m web site called Fetishlad, in the end it was suggested that it may not be quite the experience i was looking for and so I left it.

Forced to suck Dildo whilst bound.

But its this kind of ‘epic production’ that I want for my first major scene and for my first foray in to BDSM. Sure I’ve had offers, I’ve had e-mails from Dominants, who are probably very real and nice people but they all appeared ‘amateurish’ who were either not heavily involved in BDSM or who were just starting out and the odd creep too. Some messages even included ‘I’ve not got a lot of equipment.’

Lubricated, electric dildo inserted in ass. She impales herself more and more with every whipping.

Is it wrong for me to expect so much, so soon. Is it wrong for me to expect anything at all. Bondage devices and furniture can make or break a scene for me and something which is a massive turn on for me. Being tied to the back of an upside down chair is not nearly as hot and exciting as it is for me to be tied to a purpose built steel frame that’s black, cold and sends discomfort through any part of me that is left holding my weight against it for me than a couple of seconds.